Interview Day

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I imagine that a lot of my blog posts look rather glossy. Nicely edited photos, cleverly put together words, fancy fancy fancy. I assure you though, that I am human and I have some monumentally crap days. Sometimes long strings of them, the emotional weather blizzard sets in and batters my figurative trees, house, everything!

This mornings journal entry as I anticipate my husbands life changing interview.

4th August, 2011

God, this year is fast approaching its end. My husband said that he knew that it would be a good year for us. So far it's been absolutely shocking. I would not be lying if I said it's been my worst year ever. Miscarriage, mental illness, financial troubles, cancer ravaging my grandfather, watching my grandmother put him in a high care home after 60 years of life lived together, family discord. It's been shit.

Still there is a glimmer of hope, that something will happen to redeem this mess of a year.

My hope is still in you.

God I don't know what to think about the possible outcome of Roelof's interview. I know though my heart will sink if they tell us to wait because of our financial and my mental situation. I can not do another year with this purposelessness!

Lord, we are at your mercy which the bible says is new every morning. Please pour down your mercy on us today, not because we deserve it, but because of your son Jesus and Your Name.

Hope?

If you have read my blog since near the beginning, you'll know that I've been so excited about the prospect of moving to Adelaide so that my husband can study. However lately I've become afraid. Afraid of leaving my parents and my friends, dreadfully afraid that because we will be taking a step of faith financially that I'll sink into even deeper darker depression and that my anxiety will worsen. That I haven't had enough time to do enough work with my psychiatrist. Yes I go to one of those.

When my husband discloses the reality of our broken lives, will they tell us to wait until we are more together? I hope not, I am desperately hanging onto the possibility of an open door, a new season, but I'm clinging to my present, because although it's filled with a bucket load of crap, it's safe. Writing that sentence I realized, I'm comfortable. Comfortable in my discomfort. Is that anyway to live?

Drawing near in my quiet time didn't provided the yes or no answer I was looking for. When will I learn that God is not a fortune teller?!

The answer = comfortable..... never, discomfort... for as long as this life is lived!

My weeks topic is Heaven: Longing for home. Honestly I was skeptical this morning as I sat down by the fire to read about "Satisfied Hunger". How can reading about heaven answer any questions about the interview or next year, that I have?! You'd be surprised.

"You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever. " - Psalm 73:24 - 26

It goes on to talk about people who are so 'heavenly minded' that they are of 'no earthly good' (I am not typically heavenly minded if I am to be honest, I often think about how I don't want to leave my husband, I want to have babies, there is so much I want to do....). The devotional talks about not being extreme but setting our sights on heaven in a way that changes how we interact and what we expect from the world. "Those who long for heaven have embraced the reality that their search for satisfaction in this life is INSATIABLE". I love that word, insatiable. Do you know what it means?

in·sa·tia·ble

[in-sey-shuh-buhl, -shee-uh-]
adjective
not satiable; incapable of being satisfied or appeased:
This life will not satisfy you completely. Ever! It can not. For good reason too. Now I know there are those Christian types who would rear up and argue that Jesus wants me to have the best car, the biggest house, and the largest bank account. If you are satisfied by those things, then I would say you are foolish, you let what world values, satisfy you. And I would argue "What about those Christian's who live in third world countries whose lives are abandoned to Christ, yet they are starving to DEATH", reconcile that for me?!

"They have experienced the worlds dead ends and examined their own bottomless pit of human desires. They've come to see every innate desire for what it truly is - a longing that will be met only in the completeness of the next life, not this one."

C.S. Lewis wrote about this in Mere Christianity: "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.... I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of life to press on to that other country and to help others to do the same." Our disappointment in this life draws us to look forward to the reality of heaven where every hunger will be satisfied, every need will be met - fully and forever.

This reminded me of the lyrics of Brooke Fraser's C.S. Lewis song and I saw my hope!
For we, we are not long here Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it.
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming


See the words of the wisest man who ever lived, the wealthiest man who ever lived....

Ecclesiastes 2

1I SAID in my mind, Come now, I will prove you with mirth and test you with pleasure; so have a good time [enjoy pleasure]. But this also was vanity (emptiness, falsity, and futility)!(A)

2I said of laughter, It is mad, and of pleasure, What does it accomplish?

3I searched in my mind how to cheer my body with wine--yet at the same time having my mind hold its course and guide me with [human] wisdom--and how to lay hold of folly, till I might see what was good for the sons of men to do under heaven all the days of their lives.

4I made great works; I built myself houses, I planted vineyards.

5I made for myself gardens and orchards and I planted in them all kinds of fruit trees.

6I made for myself pools of water from which to water the forest and make the trees bud.

7I bought menservants and maidservants and had servants born in my house. Also I had great possessions of herds and flocks, more than any who had been before me in Jerusalem.

8I also gathered for myself silver and gold and the treasure of kings and of the provinces. I got for myself men singers and women singers, and the delights of the sons of men--[a]concubines very many.(B)

9So I became great and increased more than all who were before me in Jerusalem. Also my wisdom remained with me and stood by me.

10And whatever my eyes desired I kept not from them; I withheld not my heart from any pleasure, for my heart rejoiced in all my labor, and this was my portion and reward for all my toil.

11Then I looked on all that my hands had done and the labor I had spent in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after the wind and a feeding on it, and there was no profit under the sun.

Nothing in this life will sate us, the reality is we will always be longing, have some thorn in our side, never be completely satisfied. Because we were not made for here. We were redeemed for eternity! So whether I am here or there, Brisbane or Adelaide, depressed or not, financially stable or not while I'm here (Earth) I will never be fully satisfied.

So I know what I'd like the outcome of the interview to be, however I've realized that either way, " I must make it the main object of life to press on to that other country and to help others to do the same." Because my only hope is in Christ and a life with Him.


If you made it to the end of this post, WOW! Then you were meant to read this, I prayed that those who did, would be the ones who need to hear it. xxxx

1 comment:

Caitlin said...

I read it to the end and I think it is one of your best yet. It definately spoke to me! Loved it Becks and will be praying for you! x