Lying to myself!

Monday, August 29, 2011

I remember the complete and utter shock I got when I realised for the first time that, not everyone thinks as I do and worse, the truth may not actually be as I see it.

My early uni days studying part of a counselling degree gave me enough knowledge to know the basics about thoughts, scripts and behaviours. Enough to know that they are difficult to recognise, harder to challenge and even bloody harder to change. Not to say it can't be done, however its a rarity that one decides, blinks hard, clicks their heels 3 times and hey presto = change. And if you are one of those few, more power to you. But I ain't! I'm like the rest of the population and add to that I struggle from depression and anxiety.

Let me be brave and share with you some of the bullcrap (sorry if that offended but I want to drive home the severity of the point) that I believe and assault my mind on a daily basis.

I am and always will be a failure, that's just who I am.

I have screwed up that many times that God rolls his eyes in frustration at me and stops paying attention to me.

My friends don't really like me they just tolerate me, and breathe a sigh of relief when I leave.

I can't go out with my friends because I am too fat and look terrible.

I will never loose weight, change my lifestyle and become healthy, I don't have what it takes.

Despite what he says, my husband only likes my body because he has too.

If I had have been healthy I wouldn't have had a miscarriage.

I will never be happy until I am skinny.

Pretty nasty stuff hey. But I'm trying really hard to "think about what I'm thinking about". I need constant reminders to meditate on the truth instead of stewing on the lies that are second nature. Today I did myself a favor, I wrote one lie that I believe about myself on a piece of scrap paper, then I screwed the bastard up and threw it in the trash. Afterwards I thought long and hard about 2 truths that I want to believe in place of that lie and I stuck one on the fridge and one on our bathroom mirror so that I'll be confronted with those often.

It's going to be a super long road, however I desire to change the way I think about myself. I'm not going to listen to the dark wet cloud that hangs over me, or the black dog that nips at my heels anymore. SHOO!

Confront a lie that you believe about yourself, you are brave enough too! Think upon a beautiful truth about the unique and wonderful person you are - YOU ARE WORTH IT!

Oh Baby!

Our lovely friend Amy is due to give birth to her beautiful baby girl in less than a month. So on the weekend we threw her a little 'baby sprinkle' to celebrate! Who doesn't love a chance to spend time with the girls!
I got to do what I love most... make yummy treats for everyone to enjoy.

So much pink!
The food went down a treat!

Oh if I could spend my life planning peoples parties, showers and events! My twin nieces turn 1 on New Years Eve this year, they will be on the Gold Coast with the rest of our family. I'm already hunting gorgeous ideas for their party. Maybe some rainbows and unicorns? It is going to be SO much fun.


Week 1

Sunday, August 28, 2011

Never Trust A Skinny Cook....

Friday, August 26, 2011

... How about a healthy looking one with curves??

I'm currently engaged in diet wars in an effort to lose around 25 whopping kilos! I know, I know, we DON'T say the word "diet", rather "lifestyle change". I have a handful of reasons why I'm jumping into this battle, I won't go into them now, perhaps if I'm brave I will post more later.

I'm not on a diet. Diets are about denial. This road for me is about desire.

Where I come unstuck though is the FOOD. Are you thinking "Um Duh"? Before you make any snap judgments about my IQ, let me explain. I love to cook. Seriously love to cook. I'm 32 and I own 45 cook books and have 3 food magazine subscriptions. Not impressed? How about when I tell you I've only been cooking and collecting for the last 3 years. So really where I come unstuck is cooking, you see I'm not into meat and three veg, I have a liking for the "fancy pants" stuff.

Diet food is the definition of UN fancy. That was before I discovered the new Weight Watchers site, and I'm in love. The recipe section gives me something to get excited about, especially the little gadget where you put in your ingredients and it finds a recipe for you. AND best of all..... the food doesn't taste like poo! Or cardboard! Tonight I made my own aoili, do you know excited I was to have aioli (and it wasn't the kind that enlarges your ass)... I'm addicted to the stuff.

1/ Grateful for the Weight Watchers web site.

I'm also so lucky to have two girls with whom I can share my progress, struggles and sins with along the way, fellow weight warriors (though I tell you neither of them need it). Finding people you can talk openly to about being overweight and feeling fat is as rare as hens teeth. It's refreshing to be able to say the word STRETCCCCCCH MARKS and not feel like you've just admitted to having rabies.

Cait (one of my best besties) who inspires me and makes me believe I can do better.
Anna (my beautiful Sister in Law) who keeps me grounded and reminds me that this is about my 'wellbeing' and not a pair of skinny jeans.

2/ I'm grateful to have people to walk with me down this road!

I can't wait to write the grateful post where I am jumping for joy because my ass has down sized ;) You can check out this weeks gratefulness over with Maxabella our wonderful host.


Honey I Shrunk The.....

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Who let this man near the dryer?!

Last Night

Saturday, August 20, 2011

Last night I hosted a little dinner in honor of my dear sister in law Carina, who is getting married next year. Unable to choose between her 10 best girls, she has opted to have zero bridesmaids stand beside her on the big day. I know terribly sad right, so the 10 of us have come to be known as the "non-bridesmaids"!
Some of the girls got together to chat about weddings, engagement parties, Carina's wilder days, bird lice (no dry retching as you read this Jen), birthing babies, bowel control during birth, lactating in public when you hear a baby cry (solution reached = always carry a vest), Gam Gidgandet and his Burlesque cookie scene and stupid things our husbands do. Cheeks ached from laughing by the end of the night.
Caitlin & Amy
Mel & Carina
Naomi & Jenni
Kerrilie & Amy

I made some yummy food for dinner, some waist conscious treats for dessert, we enjoyed the fire place and a few drops of bubbly to the dulcet tunes of Michael Buble, John Mayer and Jack Johnson. It was a great night with the girls! I however did manage to make my kitchen look like a bomb site. An ATOMIC bomb site.... see below, however brace yourself if you are a clean cook or have OCD.
Hot chocolate making hazard

I know, I know, it's terrible! I am a super unorganised and messy cook, I admit it ashamedly. By the end of the evening when all the girls had trotted off home, I took one look at this catastrophe, turned around, walked in the other direction, right upstairs to my nice cozy warm bed and pulled the covers over my head.

So what am I grateful for?

This morning when I came downstairs after a nice long sleep in I was delighted to see this.....
My gorgeous husband had gotten up and was in the process of cleaning up MY mess. And I must add that he went on to clean the whole lot, vacuum and mop the floors. I'm so grateful for this man who loves me in all ways, including acts of service. Mr B I adore you!

I'm like number 73 on Maxabella's list of grateful people due to my sleep in, however I figure that it's a great thing that there are 72 other people out there sharing and acknowledging that there is ALWAYS something to be grateful for.



Sunday, August 14, 2011

Over dinner my brother and SIL deleted their facebook accounts! I admire their strength. I however sat quietly on the couch hoping they wouldn't notice me so that I wouldn't have to give some feeble excuse as to why I didn't want to delete mine....I don't consider "I don't know?" a good enough answer.

After they had gone to bed and I sat alone with my computer, I realised it was time to be brave. I never see 3/4 of these people. I would avoid a number of them if I saw them in the street. Some faces have me stumped as I see their profile and think 'who the hell is that person'. There are people who I have friended not because we are friendly but I like to check up on them and their life, playing the comparison game. Then there are the 1/4 of the people I don't even like!!

Honestly I felt liberated saying goodbye to 437 people as I clicked 'confirm delete'. It's kind of like cleaning out your wardrobe... Some pieces are plain ugly and you can toss without a thought, then there are those you hesitate over. However once its done you marvel at all through space you have and how accomplished you feel!

Social Media.. I love you, but I want my life back!!!

I'm grateful for.......

Friday, August 12, 2011

Sesame Street!

Apart from the obvious benefits = it keeps small children all over the world occupied whilst eliminating the parental guilt factor (that your child is parked in front of the "idiot box") to a degree, as it's somewhat educational.

The show has change in the 25 years since I last saw it. Hanging out with my 3 nieces these last few days has once again introduced me to Sesame Street. If you've had the opportunity to check it out of late, you will know that they've really considered their adult audience, perhaps the female adult audience.

In 2 days I've seen Jason Bateman, LL Cool J and Jude Law guest star on Sesame Street...... what is this show? The new "Friends"? Yesterday I saw a segment called "True Mud", watch below to see if you can work out which adult vampire series it's a parody of.

Good work Sesame Street writers! I may just tune in from time to time, even when I don't have my nieces around.

Pop over to Maxabella and check out more grateful people! xx

OMG Holy Struggle Street!

Thursday, August 11, 2011

At the end of this post I'm going to give out an award! A Silver Star, awarded for "Gallantry in action" or maybe more aptly a Medal of Honor for courage under fire!!!

Not for myself though, I'm feeling like my due reward would be a participation certificate. The ones that subtly say "thanks for coming out, and with your effort.... making our winner look so incredibly much better"!

Okay enough drama, on with the post.

I'm in Sydney, in a house of 5 girls! My brother Luke, has gone on a week long conference, and I'm giving my SIL Anna a hand (not sure how much help I am) with the girls, Isabelle 2yrs and 7mth old twins, Ava and Sophie. I love my girls, being an Aunty is one of the most amazing gifts.

Ava Joy..... The sweet silent type.
Sophie Christina.... yes I am almost crawling. Watch me shimmy my way to the kitchen.
Isabelle Grace... My boo boos, first born cheeky chops!

I'm writing this post real time, while I have a free 2 minutes. Anna has gone to some appointments and I'm on "soul carer" duty. She's written the routine on the fridge for me (literally) and I am pretty confident that I can do this... 15 years working in childcare - or at least I was confident until like 10 minutes ago.

My oldest niece who has an adverse reaction to "mess" had a little accident that dampened her entire outfit = tears. Clever "Un-tee Bic" suggests a bath. WRONG! You know how much effort it is to get a 2 year old and twins into the bathroom (I made like 5 trips and had to strategically work out who to take first, like triage) keep everyone occupied with bubbles, ducks and then get everyone out again?! LOTS!

Twinner bed time. Change baby 1, watch baby 2 doesn't fall off bed, "no big sister don't force your dummy into her mouth", swaddle baby 1.... SWADDLE???? WHAT??? First effort – terrible! Second even worse. Everyone out to the lounge, Un - tee Bic needs to google you tube... please have swaddle videos.

Okay. Swaddle baby 1, watch baby 2, put baby 1 in bed... "No no no don't cry, okay fine cry". Swaddle baby 2, tip toe out of room. Turn baby monitor on as loud as possible, freaking out slightly, saying a few prayers......

Make oldest niece breakfast, twins crying, message Mum... "What do I do if babies crying". Babies stop.... quiet. Thinking "are they still alive"? Also thinking “is there alcohol in this house”?

I have so much respect for my 25 year old sister in law Anna, to do this day in and out requires strength, patience, wisdom and I would imagine the ability to forgive yourself when you don’t get things absolutely perfect. My hat is off to you Anna, my nieces are happy and content little ladies which means you are doing a GREAT JOB!

I coped, just, and in the end everyone was happy by the time Mummy came home! Now where's the scotch, "Un-tee Bic" needs a drink! xx

Wordless Wednesday!

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

I'm grateful for.......

Saturday, August 6, 2011



Mr B has been away from home for the last few days, doing his thing (drinking wine with my little brother). So it's just been me and Levi (dog) holding down the fort here.

I'm grateful to have 2 super amazing friends keep me company while the 'Man of the House' was gone. Dinner, drinks and free food! Hysterics whilst making "action plans" in case we were mugged whilst needing sat nav to find our car. Assailants in West End last night would have come to a nasty demise had they threatened us.

Waking up far too early to head to the markets. Coffee, breakfast and charming discussions about methods for resisting cellulite inducing food. Hunting for bargains and the most beautiful bunch of flowers. And just plain enjoying each others company.

Head over to Maxabella and see more grateful people. It will make your day!! And make sure you tell your friends you love them..... Caity & Nomes - I LOVE YOU! xx

Interview Day

Thursday, August 4, 2011

I imagine that a lot of my blog posts look rather glossy. Nicely edited photos, cleverly put together words, fancy fancy fancy. I assure you though, that I am human and I have some monumentally crap days. Sometimes long strings of them, the emotional weather blizzard sets in and batters my figurative trees, house, everything!

This mornings journal entry as I anticipate my husbands life changing interview.

4th August, 2011

God, this year is fast approaching its end. My husband said that he knew that it would be a good year for us. So far it's been absolutely shocking. I would not be lying if I said it's been my worst year ever. Miscarriage, mental illness, financial troubles, cancer ravaging my grandfather, watching my grandmother put him in a high care home after 60 years of life lived together, family discord. It's been shit.

Still there is a glimmer of hope, that something will happen to redeem this mess of a year.

My hope is still in you.

God I don't know what to think about the possible outcome of Roelof's interview. I know though my heart will sink if they tell us to wait because of our financial and my mental situation. I can not do another year with this purposelessness!

Lord, we are at your mercy which the bible says is new every morning. Please pour down your mercy on us today, not because we deserve it, but because of your son Jesus and Your Name.


If you have read my blog since near the beginning, you'll know that I've been so excited about the prospect of moving to Adelaide so that my husband can study. However lately I've become afraid. Afraid of leaving my parents and my friends, dreadfully afraid that because we will be taking a step of faith financially that I'll sink into even deeper darker depression and that my anxiety will worsen. That I haven't had enough time to do enough work with my psychiatrist. Yes I go to one of those.

When my husband discloses the reality of our broken lives, will they tell us to wait until we are more together? I hope not, I am desperately hanging onto the possibility of an open door, a new season, but I'm clinging to my present, because although it's filled with a bucket load of crap, it's safe. Writing that sentence I realized, I'm comfortable. Comfortable in my discomfort. Is that anyway to live?

Drawing near in my quiet time didn't provided the yes or no answer I was looking for. When will I learn that God is not a fortune teller?!

The answer = comfortable..... never, discomfort... for as long as this life is lived!

My weeks topic is Heaven: Longing for home. Honestly I was skeptical this morning as I sat down by the fire to read about "Satisfied Hunger". How can reading about heaven answer any questions about the interview or next year, that I have?! You'd be surprised.

"You will keep on guiding me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny. Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth. My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak, but God remains the strength of my heart; He is mine forever. " - Psalm 73:24 - 26

It goes on to talk about people who are so 'heavenly minded' that they are of 'no earthly good' (I am not typically heavenly minded if I am to be honest, I often think about how I don't want to leave my husband, I want to have babies, there is so much I want to do....). The devotional talks about not being extreme but setting our sights on heaven in a way that changes how we interact and what we expect from the world. "Those who long for heaven have embraced the reality that their search for satisfaction in this life is INSATIABLE". I love that word, insatiable. Do you know what it means?


[in-sey-shuh-buhl, -shee-uh-]
not satiable; incapable of being satisfied or appeased:
This life will not satisfy you completely. Ever! It can not. For good reason too. Now I know there are those Christian types who would rear up and argue that Jesus wants me to have the best car, the biggest house, and the largest bank account. If you are satisfied by those things, then I would say you are foolish, you let what world values, satisfy you. And I would argue "What about those Christian's who live in third world countries whose lives are abandoned to Christ, yet they are starving to DEATH", reconcile that for me?!

"They have experienced the worlds dead ends and examined their own bottomless pit of human desires. They've come to see every innate desire for what it truly is - a longing that will be met only in the completeness of the next life, not this one."

C.S. Lewis wrote about this in Mere Christianity: "If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world.... I must keep alive in myself the desire for my true country, which I shall not find till after death; I must never let it get snowed under or turned aside; I must make it the main object of life to press on to that other country and to help others to do the same." Our disappointment in this life draws us to look forward to the reality of heaven where every hunger will be satisfied, every need will be met - fully and forever.

This reminded me of the lyrics of Brooke Fraser's C.S. Lewis song and I saw my hope!
For we, we are not long here Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it.
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me
Hope, He's coming

See the words of the wisest man who ever lived, the wealthiest man who ever lived....

Ecclesiastes 2

1I SAID in my mind, Come now, I will prove you with mirth and test you with pleasure; so have a good time [enjoy pleasure]. But this also was vanity (emptiness, falsity, and futility)!(A)

2I said of laughter, It is mad, and of pleasure, What does it accomplish?

3I searched in my mind how to cheer my body with wine--yet at the same time having my mind hold its course and guide me with [human] wisdom--and how to lay hold of folly, till I might see what was good for the sons of men to do under heaven all the days of their lives.

4I made great works; I built myself houses, I planted vineyards.

5I made for myself gardens and orchards and I planted in them all kinds of fruit trees.

6I made for myself pools of water from which to water the forest and make the trees bud.

7I bought menservants and maidservants and had servants born in my house. Also I had great possessions of herds and flocks, more than any who had been before me in Jerusalem.

8I also gathered for myself silver and gold and the treasure of kings and of the provinces. I got for myself men singers and women singers, and the delights of the sons of men--[a]concubines very many.(B)

9So I became great and increased more than all who were before me in Jerusalem. Also my wisdom remained with me and stood by me.

10And whatever my eyes desired I kept not from them; I withheld not my heart from any pleasure, for my heart rejoiced in all my labor, and this was my portion and reward for all my toil.

11Then I looked on all that my hands had done and the labor I had spent in doing it, and behold, all was vanity and a striving after the wind and a feeding on it, and there was no profit under the sun.

Nothing in this life will sate us, the reality is we will always be longing, have some thorn in our side, never be completely satisfied. Because we were not made for here. We were redeemed for eternity! So whether I am here or there, Brisbane or Adelaide, depressed or not, financially stable or not while I'm here (Earth) I will never be fully satisfied.

So I know what I'd like the outcome of the interview to be, however I've realized that either way, " I must make it the main object of life to press on to that other country and to help others to do the same." Because my only hope is in Christ and a life with Him.

If you made it to the end of this post, WOW! Then you were meant to read this, I prayed that those who did, would be the ones who need to hear it. xxxx

My Wednesday

Wednesday, August 3, 2011

A day off work. Who doesn't love one of those?!

Mr B got up super early to head off to the airport. He has been sending me photos by the minute of his time there. He called me to say he was with my little brother drinking wine and making lemon curd for lemon tarts??? I'm now wishing that I had have gone with him, pity money doesn't grow on trees.

Thankfully my Mum came to stay the night with me. She bought desserts (plural) and we had a delectable tasting plate while watching Masterchef. Thank goodness for Mums!